Our idea of worth as a culture revolves around suffering. Is it time for a new definition?

I just heard a phrase that made me stop and think about my relationship to it: “loyalty to pain”. It’s about the sunk cost of past pain, and how sometimes we’ll remain in pain or even lean further into it to show that we were right, that our pain is real. But our pain is real, and we can trust ourselves that it is without proving it to others. Life is so performative these days; we’re living a “tree falling in the forest” life and we want to make sure our crash is heard by those who judge us.

I think we need to move forward, past the ideas and norms of our prudish past. Religion is often a tool to keep people in line and anesthetized, control their behavior, keep them in guilt and shame and struggle, convince them that sacrifice and suffering are the highest example of who we can be. If it doesn’t work for you, why not discard it? The worst punishment you’ll receive will come from the people who are still part of the system. And trust me: no lightning bolt is coming from the sky to kill you, unless you make a practice of standing outside during storms. Am I suggesting you leave the community in which you were raised and trained? Maybe. Is it working for you, or do you feel unsupported? Your feelings are your compass. Listen to them and figure out what they’re trying to tell you about your path.

So, what does this mean? Here’s a short and certainly incomplete list. I’m basically spitballing here, so if I missed something, I’m not surprised.

1) Trust yourself. Your pain is real.
2) Continuing in pain to prove to someone that it really is as bad as you said it would be? Futile, except if it brings you satisfaction, and isn’t that a weird way to go about being happy?
3) You don’t owe anyone your despair. But our society is structured around celebrating other people’s losses, and increasingly so. “You should do ___ more or you’re weak” or whatever.
4) The people whose sympathy you’re trying to engage? They LOVE your suffering. They think you deserve it. They celebrate your pain. Don’t give them the satisfaction.
5) Life isn’t a race. You’re not going to win. You’re going to die, and everything you’re working so hard for will stay here, and probably get thrown away by your kids.
6) Those people who’ve convinced you that their opinions matter – who made them the judge? You did. And you can fire them from having power over your mental state. It’s not easy but with repetition and support it’s possible.
7) Suffering may have been way for you to buy care and support in your family or workplace or community, but our communities and structures of care are being gutted because those in power do not care. They’re thrilled you’re suffering. Oligarchs and fundamentalists think we all deserve it, even those who voted for them. We were divided before, but we’re all vermin in their eyes now. “We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.”
8) “Reality” is a social construct, something we agreed on. It’s changing right now, and you have an opportunity to influence the future. Don’t ask anybody, just start being more of who you were meant to be. Anybody that falls away, you can visit later, from your new life. (Other social constructs are up for grabs right now, too. What would you like to change? Be that change.)